I didn’t quite understand just how much my actions would influence my children’s behaviour until very recently when I had a numerous of life hard truths that I had to first face, and then overcome. The last few months I have had the absolute pleasure of seeing the results of a positive, action lifestyle. A few weeks ago during one of my MasterMind group calls, the topic of doing things in front of your children. One in our group is learning to play the guitar, and it was suggested to practice while the kids were around so they could see Dad practice… Interesting concept.
This has now translated into working out with Austin each day as opposed to lifting weights at the gym, I have the ability to do this at home. Each day he gets very excited to join Daddy in building muscle downstairs in my home gym. Today will be no different as Austin and I will soon be crushing chest day.
The opposite effect of something like even writing this blog post is that Austin is lying here beside me watching his Ipad, or his cartoons on the TV. If I am not actively engaging him he can get lost in the electronic world, and I’d much rather have him based in the real world. With most of the snow now melted up here, Austin has also started asking to go the park, as this is when my “training” will get to be really a lot of fun. As beneficial as lifting weights has been to my overall strength it does get rather repetitive and boring for me. Perhaps lacking a true workout partner to push me harder and further… who knows… but what I really enjoy is jumping on my bike with the boy in tow, and then stopping at parks for him to play and me to get some working out in on the playground equipment.
It’s a lot of fun, it’s a lot of weight based movements with lot’s of pushing and pulling involved, I challenge you to try to the kids monkey bars the next time you find yourself passing a playground. It’s tough.
Interesting question? And one I was forced myself to ask this past Sunday. I woke up around 6am to get ready for work, and as usual I pick up my phone to see if there is anything important that may need my attention. I see a message from FaceBook messenger from an old girlfriend from about 10 years ago, definitely not the normal notification I would get on my phone so I gave it a read.
Not the way that anyone would want to start the day. While I believe the underlying reason for sending this message was concern the wording and overall tone of the message was just plain wrong. I don’t even care to cut and paste it here as it basically was calling me out, my actions, this blog in particular were all BAD THINGS for me. That I was in serious denial about my anger, mental health issues and depression and if I continued down this path I would be broke, homeless and unemployable.
She of course then blocked me so I couldn’t send any sort of reply. Since I know that she is stalking me online, and will eventually read this this reply will have to do.
I am living my own life, and the choices that I make (while you may not agree with) are mine to make. Spending this time now with my son is my driving force in life, the day to day interaction that I get with him (and my other children), I wouldn’t trade for the world. I was a miserable nasty who hated his job, and hated the person THAT I WAS. I walked away from all that life to save the future of my children, had I continued on that path I would have been broke, homeless and unemployable.
I have spent considerable time resolving the issues that I had been dragging around with me, I have sought out help and found it in the most incredible and unexpected places. The friends that I have met and made are of such quality they won’t let me fail, they hold me accountable and I have such a network now that I can lean into when times get tough, to bounce thoughts and ideas off of, to lift me up when I am feeling down. The MasterMind course that I am doing had taught me how to be a better man, father and one day again husband. The community of support in these “FaceBook groups”, which I understand are closed for a reason.
And lastly exercise and triathlon are a bad thing? Seriously? I have learned more from the sport of triathlon about myself, self confidence, a healthy lifestyle and showing my children a way of life that they will learn from watching their father participate in. A lifestyle that will allow me to stay active and keep up with them as they grow into their own lives.
So thank you again for your concern, I’ve taken away the underlying message and adjusted my course with a few things, so thank you for that. The rest I am going to leave in the past, with you and the memories of our relationship. I will continue to focus on the positive things that are in my life and that I can control, you , your thoughts and feelings I cannot and I will not your fears and concerns become my own.
I have three coaching calls to look forward to today, each with a slight different area of focus, a bike/run brick workout to get in, a cookie order to bake decorate and ship, some website updates to do while the boy naps, and then an afternoon of fun and games with my children when they get home from school.
The only person I need concern myself with is the man that I see in the glass. Have a great day everyone.
PS – this is why I blog, to clear my mind, to set my focus for the day and then crush it.
So yesterday was a very interesting day for me, a bit of the continuation of the emotional roller coaster but in a good fun, let’s build towards something kind of day and NOT one with a huge drop back into negativity or despair. Allow me to explain…
I woke up not feeling the best, I could feel the negative cycle that had plagued me in my past start to take hold, and it would have been just so easy to feed that cycle and the next thing I would have known, THE NOTHING would have it’s claws deep into me again and I could have lost another week doing nothing…
I recognized the start of this cycle and I reach out for help yesterday through some friends and leaned into the support circle I have created for myself and instantly felt the love and the accountability that I need to keep me on the straight and narrow. To not slip back into back habits of my previous lifestyle. I worked out, I went for a run and my mood and attitude immediately changed. WIN!
I shared this experience in my group call last night, reading some pages from my journals of that past to give some insight to just how bad the negative cycles in my life would effect me. It was a very moving experience for me to open up and share some of my darkest periods of my life. I know that the others could relate to what I went through as we ALL have points in our lives when we feel incredibly low. I am fortunate to have the support to quickly life me up from this. WIN!
After my call, I had the chance to talk with both of my older children before bed and to share with both of them what I had been going through the last couple of days. We talked about life, about how it can affect you, and ways to navigate those feelings so they don’t take hold of you and trap you into that negative cycle. This 45 minutes was the BEST part of my day and showed me some tremendous growth on my part, to not only break my own cycle of negativity but to ALSO share that knowledge with my daughters.
Morning all, so I wrote quickly yesterday morning about feeling a bit overwhelmed about the day ahead, and I am very happy to report that I got it all done, and then some! The morning was filled with driving around, and my boy was just super well behaved in the car for a couple of hours, his favorite reward being a Kinder Egg which he attacks with such enthusiasm every time he gets one. He is such a sweet little boy, wanted to buy his big sister Emily a heart shaped ring from the dollar store and then gave it to her later in the day, warmed my heart so much to see that.
When I got home it was cookie production time, as I mentioned that I am starting up an online baking company, North West Bakery which has been such fun to start up. I found some awesome Valentine’s Day boxes to pack up cookies, and made some promo cookies as well that I am going to photo and add to the website today. My order from Vista Print arrives today as well so I can turn my Jeep into a mobile advertising platform, business cards and t-shirts to wear at the gym tonight when I work out. Going to be fun!
While Austin was down for a nap. I decided to hit the road for a lovely 10km run through the streets my subdivision on the 10th day of my 100 day run challenge. I was doing a Nike Run audio guided run and I humble suggest that any runners with an Iphone download the app and give it a try. Remember to turn your phone to airplane mode to avoid any phone calls as for some reason it kicks off the audio track during the run which has only been slightly annoying. I find the talking, the verbal coaching in your ear to be a great motivator, and I will try it again at the gym tonight.
After school was filled with icing cookies, and playing with my two young children. It was wrestle time and we had so much fun rolling around the couch, having pillow fights, and letting them pummel me and believe you me, pummel me is the right word. Horsey rides, tickle fights and playing Monsters (basically chasing them around the house making monsters sounds) and they loved it. Mom came and picked up the little ones, and I settled into the couch and a good movie and had a nap…
After a little despite, I engaged both of my older girls to end the day. Megan came home from the mall and was so excited to tell me all about it, share some videos that she took, showed off the 1000 page book that she bought. She even let me explain to her how to play the Star Wars X-Wing miniatures game that I have been dying to play, and then offered to play with me. I should have jumped at the chance, by I was down to my last little bit of energon for the da and knew I would be napping soon. We have rescheduled the space combat mission for this weekend, perhaps even tonight.
And then I talked with Emily about what is going on in her life. I challenged her to make a plan of action over the next few days to help her both feel better and get her school life back on track. She has been steadily improving the last few weeks and I want to see her take that next step. I need to remember to focus on the GREAT things that she is doing, and try not to focus on the negative things. I believe she will respond better with positive reinforcement when it is so easy to point out those negative things we all see and don’t like on a personal level.
I’ve gotten a bit away from writing about my daughters, as I learned a real valuable lesson about sharing too much especially when you have neighbours that think they know better than you do when it comes to raising your own kids. An absolute humbling lesson about a hand reaching out while sliding a knife into your back.. I digress as I choice to focus on the positive and the things that I have control over, right?
Today’s agenda is fun. Lot’s of playing with Austin today, in and around some website construction usually when he eats lunch, and naps. Swim lessons start up again tonight so back to the YMCA and then a nice little workout afterwards (run 11) and then home for dinner and a movie(s) night, first with the little ones and then another with my teenagers. Want to start a tradition each week watching one of the Marvel movies in order leading up to the release of Infinity War in May. This will give us the chance to talk about life, the day and whatever else comes up…
To start July I celebrated my 45th birthday, and shortly afterwards I had 10 days scheduled off from work for a nice long vacation. One I felt was sorely overdue after the events of the previous 11 months and the experience of separating, selling my house and moving on with my life. I spent a lot of my down time trying to plan the perfect road trip with my kids…
One of my biggest fears was seeing this trip turn into something from the movie Vacation, where is something can go wrong will go wrong. I also feared extended hours in the car with two teenage girls and the potential issues that might arise. I had talked to the girls about what they wanted to do and the things that they wanted to see, and to be honest I didn’t quite get the reaction that I was hoping for from them. They didn’t seem super excited as I was for this trip…
That being said I have learned so much about me, and my relationship(s) with these girls that next summer the trip of a lifetime will happen and it will become an annual tradition. I was a different person back then as opposed to the man that sits here today. At some point I decided to break this road trip into two seperate ones… a trip with my buddies (as I was planning on draggin my daughters to some US ballparks) and one with Emily and Megan.
So upon returning from the States (more on that later) I unpacked, and then repacked the Jeep and we were off. The plan was to head towards Ottawa as I had booked a KOA campground for several nights, on all the back roads to explore this great country that we have. One of the things the boys and I had talked about just a few days before was saving turtles when you would see one trying to cross the road, Ryan was telling the story about he rescues turtles and turns to me and says, “I am sure your the same Ed?” I nodded politely and the conversation carried on. In my head I was thinking that one I’ve never rescued a turtle, and two I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a turtle crossing the road.
Well wouldn’t you know it after only a few hours on the road, there right in the middle was the poor little turtle trying to make it across the road.
We immediately pulled over and ran out into the middle of the road to rescue the poor little guy, when I bent over to pick him up by the edges of his shell he did what all good turtles tend to do. Pull his head inside of his shell and then proceeded to piss all over my left. Thankfully my dexterity was up to the challenge and I was able to Tennessee two step my way out of the stream just in time. We placed the turtle onto the side of the road, and facing in the same direction he was already headed, jumped back in the Jeep and we continued on the way.
Rescuing turtles will always be something that I will now be on the lookout for!
We continued to head North, stopping at not only the Candy Shoppe on the 400 North, we also hit up the Kawartha Dairy for a delicious ice cream cone and pulled over at several national parks to stretch our legs and have bathroom breaks as needed.
Once we got to our campsite in Ottawa and settled in, it was time for dinner. Over the first few months of the this summer I learned how to cook over an open campfire. Not the easiest thing to do as every single campfire will be different in terms of its intensity and distance from fire to food. It requires constant supervision and adjustments throughout the cooking process as too not too burn anything. Yes I’ve ruined a few hot dogs in my day but I pretty much have gotten the hang of it, and not once did I have to break out the Coleman stove that I bought as backup.
Nights around the campfire are my favorite. Sitting there listening to good music, talking and sharing stories, roasting marshmallows and making smores.
My only disappointment with this trip was my inability to get Emily to re-engage with some family time each night. She would retreat into the cabin with her headphones in, listening to her music and sending out an endless parade of SnapChats to her friends. Megan was all in and I had just the best time with her playing frisbee, catch and other games around the campsite. Emily was reluctant to join in on any of this family fun, she wouldn’t even go swimming with us at the pool and the lake.
The next day the weather was not the best and we did some shopping at the Tanger outlet mall in Ottawa and had some lunch while in town. We did a lot of shopping over the summer, getting the girls some fun things along the way and I basically replaced my entire wardrobe and shoe collection this year. I think this shopping trip was my last of this year in terms of clothing as my perception on money and how best to spend it was already starting to change… (more on the that in my #1 post for 2017.
I has asked the girls what they wanted to do while up in Ottawa and two common things come from this conversation, one was to go Zip Lining and the other was the chance to drive the Jeep. Both of these were crossed off the list the next day! I have a healthy respect for heights and was a little afraid of what the day might bring, but it was a beautiful drive over and across a large river dividing Ontario and Quebec that was a delight to see.
The zip lining course was at the top of a mountain and it was a long and winding road up to the top through some beautiful summer views.
We arrived on time, got all geared up and had the chance to watch the group ahead of us finish up with the final zipline back to the base camp. We walked out into the woods, had our orientation and away we went. My only other ziplining experience was in Jamaica and it was much different than what I experienced in Ottawa. I figured it would be a guided tour through the trees with instructors in front and behind us, travelling in a large group. Well that was not the case at all, we were pretty much on our own as the instructors kept watch from the safety of the ground. Being the first three on the course we were able to go at our own pace, and with two adventurous girls leading the way we quickly were ahead of everyone else and having just the best time imaginable.
The course started off with several climbing in and around type obstacles to orientate one from being off the ground and to get more comfortable with the zipline to come. It was actually a really fun time for me and I quickly got over my fear of heights to the point where it wasn’t even a factor. Watching my girls hit each line ahead of me allowed me to see what I was in store for, how fast the line might move and to prepare for each landing. The difference between an 80 lb girl and a 180 lb man are quite different in terms of speed and impact on each landing. I was able to generate a lot more speed across the ziplines than either of the girls were able to do so.
We had so much fun this day, I was able to conquer some of my own fears and felt that I grew closer to each girl throughout the afternoon.
Up next on the agenda was some off road driving in the Jeep after searching for the right road to drive on. With Emily turning 16 later in the year I knew that she would want to get some experience behind the wheel. I didn’t want to just trespass in an open field or on private property so while drive around the water I simply followed a sign for an empty lot for sale. The road turned from paved to gravel, and then eventually to no road at all and we ended up on an abandoned lot down on the Ottawa River. It was perfect!
I drove the Jeep right up to the edge of the water and enjoyed a few minutes of sheer beauty and some peace and quiet. Right up until the girls were attacked by a few wasps… hilarity ensued!
I was able to do some off roading across this lot and back up and down the “road” that led down to this cottage, and I even allowed the girls a chance to get behind the wheel of the Jeep for a trip themselves. Both girls showed no fear and had a blast driving the Jeep with not another soul around.
After several trips up and down and back again we headed back to the campgrounds for another fire roasted dinner of deliciousness. We would spend one more day in Ottawa before returning to the real world back here in Barrie. I know personally I had a wonderful time and learned a lot about myself and what is truly important in life and spending time with my girls. We would go camping several more times throughout the summer as I shared the wonderful world that is mother nature.
It was during this trip that I started to realize just what was important to me, the Summer of George has started with the idea of having the time of my life and doing a lot of crazy things that money could buy you. Sitting in the best seats if you will, replacing a wardrobe, buying countless baseball jersey and matching ball caps, Star Wars battle drones, and many other things… This extended road trip was the beginning of my understanding of what truly is important in life, my family, my friends. Spending time with them, having fun, creating memories. One that last a lifetime and are not easily forgotten or replaced, this thought process I would chase for the remainder of this year and wouldn’t fully understand until mid September.
I loved my 2005 Saturn Vue, a car line that was discontinued at some point when American motor sales were struggling and GM closed down this particular line of vehicles. I drove two of them in a row, and would have continued to purchase this line of cars as I found them both fun to drive and very reliable. My Saturn Vue was with me through my entire triathlon career, was driven down to Florida and back on more than one occasion and was my car when I went down to Kentucky and did my Ironman race in 2009. I really wanted to see that car reach 300,000 km and it finally had to be retired at 296,000 km and change as it was looking at a costly repair bill. That is when I got my 2013 Toyota Corolla as we needed a commutator car at the time and I was driving from Barrie to Vaughan and back on a regular basis.
The Toyota was okay, and during it’s time I racked up 135,000 km on it in no time, but I hated the sight lines on it. I was used to driving up at a higher driving angle for over 8 years in my Vue, and now I was continually getting blasted my other cars right into my eyes. One of the drawbacks to having laser eye surgery is slightly reduced night vision, and this became readily apparent when I started to drive the Toyota. When the opportunity earlier this year presented itself to get a new car, I really started to think long and hard about what I really wanted.
I knew whatever this purchase was going to be, this car was going to be with me for a good long while. I quickly dismissed the idea of a flashy sports car that screamed mid life crisis, and started thinking about a Jeep. I’ve always wanted a Jeep as it represents to me a lifestyle choice and the freedom to go just about wherever you could possible want to go.
Driving is fun, pavement is optional.
So I began the shopping process and would endless build my dream Jeep on their website over and over again, never quite bringing myself to actually order it. I believe initially I was waiting for the sale of my house to go through and perhaps the extreme cost of getting a brand new fully loaded Jeep Wrangler.
And for me the Wrangler was the only way to go, after all Jeep makes several different lines of Jeep but there is only one Wrangler. The Wrangler, and its predecessor the YJ are the only Jeep that comes with the Jeep wave. Yes there is such a thing as the Jeep wave, just look it up. And it is only for those who drive the Wrangler model, we look down our collective noses at them other fake Jeeps as I like to call them. All kidding aside, I wanted the Jeep that could drive through rivers, over mountains and go wherever I decided that I wanted to go.
I finally decided to do to visit a dealership, and with Austin along for the ride took one out for my first test drive and the first time that I had ever driven a car with that powerful of an engine. To be honest I was a little scared, well very scared when I first got behind the wheel as it was powerful beyond imagination. It was driving a tank at first, and seeing as there was still snow on the ground I engaged the 4 wheel drive and literally drove through snow banks, over snow piles and any other obstacle that I could find. I was instantly sold and knew that I would be buying one in short order, so I started to search for the best deal that I could find.
I initially started at the Barrie Jeep dealership, and unfortunately for that salesman he didn’t think I was serious about purchasing a Jeep, wasn’t very knowledgeable about answering my questions and didn’t go out of his way to offer any kind of wow service. Too bad as that guy ost out on a nice commision from me. Next up was the Vaughan dealership as I had been in contact with a salesman there via email.
When I went in to meet him, I was forgotten about in the waiting area for almost an hour, and was literally about to leave in disgust when the head of the department asked if I had been helped, took me into his office and we started talking. Small world as it turns out his wife’s brother was a manager at another Keg location and I immediately got the friends and family discount on my new Jeep. Win!
I had already done my shopping on the website, and knew exactly what model, colour and features that I wanted. Turns out that this combination didn’t exist anywhere currently in Canada, usually when you purchase a new car that is not on the lot they do a vehicle search and will have it shipped in from another dealer, etc… Mine as configured didn’t exist, so they needed to order it from the manufacturer. I cannot tell you how cool I would this concept to be, while I did have to wait several weeks for me Jeep it was being custom built for me and no one else (other than the Jeep that loaded and unloaded it from the truck) would ever drive it.
It had 3 km on the odometer when I was finally able to pick it up in April of this year. Talk about building anticipation for something, every week or so I would email for an update on how things were going. I didn’t know it at the time but when I placed the order Air Conditioning was added to it at no cost to me. My mindset was, hey this is a car where the roof and doors come off, who needs air conditioning? Right? Well it turns out to be a blessing, as with four kids they are not always up for the wind blowing at them while zipping down the highway.
In the few months since I’ve owned this amazing vehicle I have already taken to many amazing places and seen some amazing things. It was officially broken in during July as I was on a 10 day road trip down to Chicago and St. Louis with a group of friends to see baseball games at Wrigley and Busch stadium. We camped along the way, and this trip was so enjoyable that it will become an annual tradition and might even appear on this Top 10 list rather shortly… And immediately afterwards my daughters and I headed north to Ottawa for another camping trip where both girls got the chance to drive the Jeep on some abandoned country roads for the first time.
Dad even got a chance to do some off roading in it as well.
Everything that you could think about to put into an SUV, Jeep had it covered. I had ordered both the Hardtop and Soft Top for it, the doors are so easy to remove when wanted and the upgraded Alpine sound system with eight speakers and all weather subwoofer absolutely rocks. It was roomy enough for four guys, all the camping gear on our trip to Chicago. It is lengthy enough that I can slide my kayak into the back with the rear seats folded down, and with the trailer tow hitch I was actually able to move into my new house simply y renting the 12 foot U Haul trailer.
I’ve been caught out in the rain with it before, which quickly turned into a monsoon and trying to put the doors back on when I get home was an effort in futility. It actually collected several inches of water on the inside, and when the rain subsided I simply went out side and pulled out the plugs underneath the mats and quickly watched all the water quickly disappear.
I also had the misfortune of spilling an entire Jerry Can of gasoline into the backseat and floor one day while driving home not realizing the cap wasn’t screwed on properly. The carpets were simple enough to pull right out, go through the washing machine a few times and simply placed back inside. I have become that Jeep owner that will park his car wherever if no parking spots are available, case and point on December 23rd at the LCBO when the only spot left was the curb so I took it.
I laugh to myself hysterically every time I do something in my Jeep the average car owner just cannot do based on ground clearance, off road capability or just being plain dumb. After all it why I bought the Jeep in the first place. Not taking advantage of ALL that it can do would be a waste of all it’s features. no? I have also discovered an old road that leads into an abandoned field our near Hilton Falls in Milton that I have driven in and around a few times now which always tests out just what the Jeep in capable of doing.
Next summer I need to go to the Black Mountain Off Road adventure park in Kentucky which has 500 miles of trails for 4 by 4 owners all laid out by a trail rating system similar to ski hills. And now that we have snow, and a lot of it here in Barrie my Jeep slices through the worst winter storm just like a hot knife through butter just like I knew it would. I love my Jeep as much as one man can love an inanimate object. The neighbours thought I had issues when I first got it as I would wash it almost daily! My mindset was that I am only going to own a new car like this once in my lifetime and i wanted it to look the part for as long as possible.
So if you ever see me in passing on the roads, give me the Jeep wave and I promise to wave back!
I have always been a very proud Canadian, especially due to the fact that my birthday falls on Canada Day, July 1st our National holiday. The running joke in my family was always about all the fireworks and celebrations all for little ol me. There is something very cool about always having fireworks to celebrate your birthday. My favorite may have been my 39th or 40th birthday when I was still living on Autumnleaf Cres in Mississauga, as we backed right onto a park with tennis courts, soccer fields, and a playground. That year some local fireworks companies pooled their resources and did a rather amazing fireworks display that we were able to watch from the comfort of our deck.
This past year Canada was celebrating its 150th birthday, I was celebrating my 45th birthday and with the Summer of George mentality still going strong something extra special needed to be done. (Side Note: I am currently watching this game I PVR’d back in July for the 1st time).
Most years the Toronto Blue Jays play a home game on Canada Day and as a big of a baseball fan that I am, I’ve never actually been to that game. Well this year was the year that I was going to go, and if I was going it was going to be in style. There is sitting in the front row and then there is sitting right on the field. I think you can guess where I was going to be sitting, I cannot with a clean conscience ever tell anyone how much those tickets cost but it was worth every penny.
I decided to take my oldest daughter Emily with me, as she has been through one tough year herself. My hope was that we would be able to reconnect during the afternoon and I could share my appreciation and knowledge of baseball with her. I also had an longshot goal of acquiring foul ball number three that afternoon.
Toronto was playing division rival Boston Red Sox and strikeout machine Chris Sale was pitching for the enemy. Final score of the game was Boston 15, Toronto 1 not even close… but that was just fine with me. I had so much fun that afternoon with everything else going on around me, most of all spending the afternoon with Emily. And yes we even got our foul ball # 3 not for lack of trying.
Early in the game Xander Bogaerts who plays for Boston and was a player on my fantasy team this year (I am a big fan of fantasy baseball) hit a grounder right off the wall, at the time I was busy eating a hot dog and totally unprepared to catch the ball as it rolled down the line foul into the outfield. I immediately thought well there goes my chance for the day… later in the game Bogaerts was up again and hit another screamer down the line in the exact same spot, and this time I was ready.
With catlike reflexes and glove in hand I dove from my seat up and almost over the railing to nimbly snag the hot shot grounder screaming down the line. Great story eh? Well that’s not quite what happened… I actually dove a little too intensely and landing promptly on the field of play and had to scramble back to my seat. Security doesn’t mess around with fans on the field and I was promptly ejected from the park for my error! Well that didn’t quite happen either, but would have also made for a great story.
What actually happened was I made a swipe at the ball, felt it bounce off the tip of my glove and rolled down the line into the outfield. I had my chance, I had two of them in fact but I didn’t come up with either ball. I ended up being the recipient of a foul ball courtesy of the kind elderly lady who handed it to my daughter after it had been tossed to her from former Blue Jays manager John Butterfield, now a third base coach for Boston and actually talked to and interacted with the fans quite a bit. Twice in fact tossing balls to the fans in the general area where we were sitting, the first time he came back after a half inning break and handed the ball personally to a young fan sitting right behind us.
End of day, mission accomplished and everyone left happy despite the Blue Jays getting blown out of the place.
This was a great way to spend my birthday, and I know I most likely won’t ever get the chance to sit in these seats again so I made sure to enjoy every second of it. The company was also great and may just have been the start of Emily and I’s improved relationship. I hope that she appreciated the events going on around her that day as I know I did. I have seen some magical things happen at the Skydome over the years, today ranked right up on my list of favorites.
I discovered this song only a month ago around the time Emily turned 16 and moved out for a short while. It helped me get through some dark times then and it makes me cry every time I hear it as I think of her, and how she save my life. She was my catalyst for change, she was my turning point, she saved my life. Last one for today, thanks for sharing my love of these songs. Just creating these blog posts about them has helped lift my mood a bit. Still going to crawl under my blanket for the rest of the day…
This Song Save my Life ~ Simple Plan
I wanna start letting you know this
Because of you my life has a purpose
You helped me be who I am today
I see myself in every word you say
Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me
Trapped in a world where everyone hates me
There’s so much that I’m going through
I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you
I was broken
I was choking
I was lost
This song saved my life
I was bleeding
Could have died
This song saved my life
I was down
I was drowning
But it came on just in time
This song saved my life
Sometimes I feel like you’ve known me forever
You always know how to make me feel better
Because of you my dad and me are so much closer
Than we used to be
You’re my escape when I’m stuck
In this small town
I turn you up
Whenever I feel down
You let me know like no one else
That it’s okay be myself
I was broken
I was choking
I was lost
This song saved my life
I was bleeding
Could have died
This song saved my life
I was down
I was drowning
But it came on just in time
This song saved my life
You’ll never know
What it means to me
That I’m not alone
That I’ll never have to be
I was broken
I was choking
I was lost
This song saved my life
I was bleeding
Could have died
This song saved my life
I was down
I was drowning
But it came on just in time
This song saved my life
And I’m feeling fine! To quote the famous singer Al Jolson.
My mom introduced me to Al Jolson as a young child, and we would sit and watch The Jolson Story and Jolson Sings Again. Talk about someone chasing their dreams!
I cannot begin to tell how I awesome I feel this morning, it’s almost like the heaven opened up on me and rained down. (I have the feeling I am going to cry a lot while I write this, as I did last night). It’s all good so please read on!
I had dinner plans with Tiffany last night, our plan was to go The Keg as I had not been to one since I walked away from my job this past September. It’s always busy, at any restaurant, in the month of December and last night was no exception. I did have the foresight to make a reservation which helped, and when we arrived there was a light smattering of snowflakes in the air. Ahh the magic of Christmas and for the first time in over 20 years I am finally getting to enjoy it.
Dinner was as awesome as expected, the food was great but the company was even better. Tiffany and I picked up right where we left on Sunday morning and sharing just an amazing conversation picking up right where we left off from Sunday. Sharing stories from each of our pasts, and learning more about each other on such a personal level. I sat there throughout dinner listening to, as we called it a Shitstorm of life events that she had to continually deal with her entire life right up to present day. What life has dealt her, well I don’t think that I would have had the personal strength to overcome it and at the same time have this wonderful smile still on her face.
We talked about how and why she was able to maintain such a positive outlook on life because what she has, the way she looks at life, the way she can continually turn lemons in lemonade is truly amazing and inspiring. Sidenote, she ordered lemonade with dinner. She told me that with all that life has thrown her way the only control that we have in our lives is way we react to it, how we let it affect us on a personal level. We both agreed that there is much in life that is beyond our control and the only thing that each of us, everyone can, is themselves.
I’ve only recently been able to adapt this attitude, this mindset, this outlook on life recently..
Test 1 ~ literally just happened, driving Megan to school and noticed that my Jeep was broken into overnight and my sunglasses were stolen. It’s just a thing, right Tiffany?
I want to be able to make sure this attitude towards life sticks with me for the rest of my life. I honestly believe that it will as I have chosen to surround myself with people that this exact outlook on life. That can take the weight of the world as it comes, can process and deal with these stresses in a positive and production manner, to battle the darkness with light as opposed to living in that darkness and feeding its vicious cycle.
Tiffany and I could have talked all night I am sure, and I am also sure that more opportunities will present itself in the days and weeks to come Driving her home at the end of dinner, sharing stories about our most embarrassing moments and ending the night with a nice warm hug (we can all use lots of these) and as I drove I thought that I had a pretty great evening…
It turns out that this was only the beginning of the magic in store for me.
When I got home I checked in on both my teen-aged daughters, first Megan hugging and kissing her goodnight. Then it was knock on Emily’s door, she was happy and in a good mood. She was being the shoulder to cry on for her friend that needed some support last night, I asked if she had a chance to look over the house expectations that I had laid out for her a few days ago, which she initially refused to even acknowledge.
She told me that she had and was going to choose option one, staying at Dad’s house. I asked if she was willingly to accept all of the conditions, again saying yes. I knew instantly that I was going to cry as I could feel the hope and love flooding into me, Emily asked if I was going to cry to which I replied, yes. Her friend turned to me and said that I could cry with her… it was a very touching moment for me.
Emily and I still have a lot of work together moving forward and I need to see through her actions more so than her words that she really wants to change her life. It is a process that we will work together on, and in time it will also help repair our relationship building a new one together. One small step at a time, but I am filled with a new sense of hope.
Saying goodnight to Emily I returned to my room ready for bed, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. I opened my email to read this…
I hope that your week has improved. I can’t imagine what you are going through as a parent and dealing with all you have on your plate. I want you to know that I give you credit for stepping up and being the best single dad that you can. I have seen a huge difference in Austin since September. You are a huge part of the little boys happy life now and he makes sure everyone knows it. As I said on Monday I am here to support you and the kids in anyway that I can. I have been a part of your family for the past 5 years. Stepping back from daycare was really hard for me because I truly care and believe that I am a small part of the child’s community that can make that difference. No matter what has happened with Emily know that everyday is a new day and never give up no matter how hard it maybe because one day she will need the great dad that I have started seeing in the past few months.
Bonnie was our child care provider when we first moved to Barrie and as you can see continues to be an important piece of my support circle moving forward. Upon reading this it just another wave of tears to my eyes. The positive energy, the openness the love that I have trying to put out into the world, in such a short time has come back to me a 100 times over. Just having hope and happiness in my life has really changed my world.
One of my friend’s on FaceBook shared the picture below, and it emcompasses everything that I have come to believe in over the past few months.
I spent 45 years of my life blissfully unaware of anything that existed outside of the bubble that I had created for myself. As the years went by the thickness of my bubble grew and grew, eventually I wasn’t able to see beyond its barrier and for me nothing else existed in the world.
When we are first born, we are born outside of this bubble. Think about it, as a child you are not weighed down by the weight of life itself. It is our experiences as we grow up that force us into the bubble, call it a defence mechanism. All the negative things that happen to us push us just a bit further inside.
For me, and many of us we first start to lose our fearlessness when we are kids and playing anh hurt ourselves. In that moment we start to live with fear and play it safe. You slow down a bit when running full speed because last time you tripped and scraped your knee. As we age things like peer pressure and wanting to fit in, to be like everyone else teaches us to hold back, to not be the true version of ourself, to settle for less because we want to be accepted, to be like everyone else.
My first marriage was a perfect example of settling due to fear and insecurities. I wanted to have children before I was 30 and settled for a woman that I knew wouldn’t make me happy, I just that she would be a good mother because she worked in the childcare industry. I kept the same job for 20 years but was only ever to reach at certain level in the company as when I got comfortable it became about being comfortable and I stopped growing. I was afraid of change. This all led to a dull life and just surviving.
I spent 25 years trapped in this existence.
I have been rediscovering my childhood through the eyes of my son, he will turn 4 next January and I am so blessed that I have been able to stay at home with him over these last three months. Everyday I get the chance to see the world through his eyes and have such a unique perspective on everything. Watching and PLAYING WITH Austin on a daily basis I can see his confidence as his explores new things, he is constantly laughing and always happy, he wants the most out of every day he is with me never stops asking me to play, he has no fear when he embraces the unknown and always has an abundance of energy.
He lives every second of every day outside of this bubble.
And I just had an epiphany as I was pulling the banana bread that I just baked out of the to cool, it’s our job as parents to help our children exist outside of this bubble their entire life. Imagine that. To teach them to continue to live their lives with the eyes and the attitude of a child that has no fear, that embraces the unknown that doesn’t settle for comfort and will continually to test their boundaries and grow.
I knew this journey I am on would take me to some amazing places, and I knew the power a parent has being able to influence and shape the destiny of their children. Both good and bad. I am only now learning what that really means and I am excited for each and everyday that the future holds for us. One filled with love, testing our limits and growing spiritually, physically and emotionally in every way possible.
In my own life I want each and everyday to be filled with an abundance of happiness, to live without limits and embrace the unknown. I am able to do this more and more everyday, I celebrate the little success and the small steps that I can take to move forward and further away from that bubble until it seems like a distant memory or a lifetime ago.
Yesterday after school I was picking up Jennifer as I always do, this beautiful 5 year old is definitely an old soul and looks at the world in a way that I absolutely love.
She asked me to dance with her while we waiting for Megan to meet us outside, and I found myself standing on a wooden stage holding her in my arms slow dancing to John Lennon’s Imagine playing on my phone. It didn’t matter to me that a 100 other parents and kids were watching us, we were dancing and singing like no one was watching. As we were doing this the most magical thing happened.
Almost every other kid in Jennifer’s class joined us on the stage and danced around with us. Here I am all 6 foot, 5 inches of me dancing with my daughter for all the world to see and a host of other children circling around us without a care in the world. Now close your eyes and imagine the smile I had on my face. Got it? I challenge you to do something today to put that smile back on your face again.
That my friends is the power of living outside your bubble.
And I guarantee that you will be glad you did. Have a great day everyone!